Passin’ Me By: When Workplace Validation Never Comes

 

There are moments in every career when you start to wonder if the people around you see you clearly. You do the work. You carry the projects. You show up prepared and committed. Yet the recognition moves around you instead of toward you. It is a quiet kind of disappointment, the kind that settles in your chest and makes you question whether your contributions are as visible as you think they are.

We do not talk enough about that feeling.

The feeling of being capable but overlooked.
Present but unseen.
Ready but passed by.

That is exactly what I hear in The Pharcyde’s Passin’ Me By. The song is full of stories about wanting to be acknowledged and realizing the acknowledgment may never come. It captures the longing, the hope, and the slow realization that the person whose attention you are chasing is not looking back. It is painfully honest. And it mirrors the emotional truth of what many leaders experience quietly at work.

Workplace relationships are not always mutual. Recognition is not always fair. And validation does not always find the people who deserve it most.

Here are three lessons from Passin’ Me By that can reshape how we think about being overlooked, chasing validation, and reclaiming our leadership identity.

1. Being Overlooked Does Not Make You Invisible

“Now in my younger days I used to sport a shag.”

The Pharcyde opens the song with a memory of wanting to be seen, a moment of reaching for attention that never arrived. That longing is familiar in the workplace too. You put in the work, you deliver the results, and still the recognition goes elsewhere. It is easy to internalize that. It is easy to convince yourself that you are not as strong as you believed or as talented as others said.

But being overlooked is not proof of inadequacy.
It is not a measure of your worth or ability.

Often it has nothing to do with you at all.

Sometimes the person responsible for recognizing your value is overwhelmed. Sometimes they are biased toward what looks like confidence instead of what is actually competence. Sometimes they simply do not have the range to see you clearly.

Being passed by is not the same as not being worthy.

What to do:

• Validate yourself first. Write down your biggest contributions from the past six months. Seeing the evidence helps separate your worth from someone else’s oversight.
• Ask for clarity, not praise. Instead of “How am I doing?” try “What does great work look like in this role?” This shifts the conversation to expectations you can act on.
• Look for where you are valued. Pay attention to who seeks your input, who trusts you, and who listens when you speak. Those people show you where to invest your energy.

The Lesson: Being overlooked does not mean you are invisible. It means you are not being seen by the right people.

🎤 Mic drop moment: You are not hard to see. Some people simply are not looking.

2. Chasing Validation Will Always Shrink You

“Every time I see her, I try to speak, but I just freeze.”

That line captures the emotional spiral of trying too hard. You start performing. You over-explain. You overthink every interaction. You walk into meetings rehearsing instead of contributing. Before long, you are shrinking yourself to fit someone else’s expectations, hoping that if you adjust enough, you will finally be chosen.

But chasing validation is a trap.
It drains your confidence.
It distorts your identity.
And it keeps you stuck in a cycle where approval feels like the prize and your leadership becomes the cost.

You were not hired to mirror someone else’s style. You were hired because your perspective, your voice, and your way of leading mattered. When you abandon that to gain approval, you lose the very thing that makes you effective.

The more you chase, the smaller you feel.

What to do:

• Stop the performance. Ask yourself, “What part of my leadership am I shrinking to gain approval?” Naming it helps you break the pattern.
• Recenter your strengths. Choose one natural leadership behavior you have been downplaying and intentionally lead with it this week.
• Choose authenticity over approval. In one meeting or decision, act from your values instead of fear. Notice how different that feels.

The Lesson: Validation is not a leadership strategy. You cannot lead clearly while chasing approval.

🎤 Mic drop moment: When you stop chasing people who do not see you, you make room for the people who do.

3. Walk Toward the People Who See You

“She keeps on passin’ me by.”

Sometimes the most liberating leadership moment is realizing you do not need to keep knocking on a closed door. You do not need to keep auditioning for someone who has already made up their mind. You do not need to contort yourself to earn recognition from someone who cannot or will not give it.

Your energy is too valuable for that.
Your purpose is too important for that.
Your talent is too real for that.

There are always people in your environment who see you clearly. The peer who trusts your judgment. The colleague who asks for your input. The senior leader who sees potential in you before you see it in yourself. These relationships build real confidence. They expand your leadership identity instead of shrinking it.

Some seasons are not about chasing attention.
They are about walking toward alignment.

What to do:

• Identify your champions. Write down the names of people who consistently support or elevate your work. These connections matter.
• Redirect your energy. Instead of spending time proving yourself to one person, invest in the relationships that already recognize your value.
• Choose the rooms that choose you. Seek the projects, conversations, and opportunities where your voice is welcomed, not tolerated.

The Lesson: Leadership grows strongest in environments where you are seen, supported, and valued.

🎤 Mic drop moment: Some people passing you by is not rejection. It is redirection.

The Leader You Are Without the Chase

Passin’ Me By is not just a story about longing. It is a reminder that not everyone is meant to see you, choose you, or validate you. And that is not a failure. It is part of the process of finding the relationships, teams, and leaders who will.

You deserve to lead in spaces where you do not have to shrink.
You deserve to be recognized without performing.
You deserve to be valued without chasing.

You are not here to be chosen by everyone.
You are here to choose yourself.

🎶 TL;DR: Leadership Remix

• Being overlooked is not a verdict.
• Chasing validation is not a strategy.
• Walk toward the people who see you.
• The right rooms will never require you to shrink.